#Indigenous

Uncovered Portrait Of John A. Macdonald Gifted To Indigenous People Evidence Of Very First Dick Pic

VICTORIA – In a stunning discovery, historians at the Royal BC Museum uncovered a 6 x 9 hand-drawn portrait of Sir John A. Macdonald found in correspondence sent back and forth between Indigenous nations and the Canadian government. “Shocking,” said Alfred Dingleberry, the lead historian at the museum. “We knew there were letters and signed documents sent back and forth, but we never imagined Sir John A. Macdonald would draw a photo of himself then send it to them as a gift.

Shit Show Proves PM Is Willing To Intervene In Justice For SNC-Lavalin, But Not Justice For Colton

In a move that has literally surprised no one, former Justice Minister and Attorney General, Jody Wilson-Raybould resigned from Trudeau’s cabinet this morning. “My only message is this,” said legal analyst, Anthony Twoboots. “If Indigenous people truly want justice in this country, then join up with SNC-Lavalin or any other corporate empire bent on destroying the environment. The government will go to great lengths to ensure that justice is served for the company, even if it

Indigenous Woman’s “Rich White Girl” Identity Somehow Made Her Sexual Assault Case

VANCOUVER — Flipping her blonde hair to the side while walking to the Range Rover, Taylor Smith just finished submitting a police report over a sexual assault allegation from 15 years ago. “The police were so nice and accommodating, “said Taylor, whose real name is Tara Littlefoot. “There were no allegations of me being drunk or a liar, there was just… acceptance. It’s almost as if those with a higher socioeconomic status who are unaffected by generations of colonial violenc

New Indigenous Student Looking Forward To Being Shown Off In The Campus Brochure

EDMONTON — Recognizing that his studies would not be complete until he is used as a recruitment tool, Thomas Redbear expressed excitement over the inevitable fame that is bestowed upon every Indigenous student on campus. “It really shows that the university has done its homework,” said Redbear as he laughed to himself. “For them to look like they actually give a shit, they need people like us to grace the covers of their campus literature. ” In a vain attempt to highlight how

Canada Officially Declares Indigenous People As Endangered Species

OTTAWA — Recognizing that the current plight of its Indigenous people will lead to extinction, the Canadian government announced extraordinary measures to preserve First Nations culture. “I think we all seen this coming,” said Carolyn Bennett, Minister of Crown-Indigenous Relations for the Trudeau government. “They’re hungry, they’re thirsty, and they can’t travel in rural areas without fear of being hunted. So this move by our concerned government will ensure they receive th

News Monologue #1 – Canada’s Justice System

“News” Correspondent Danny Knight delivers an in-depth analysis on Canada’s relationship with Indigenous people. Sharing is caring: #Indigenous #News #Videos

Canada Proposes Year Long Holiday To Mark Legacy Of Historical Wrongs Against Indigenous People

OTTAWA — Acknowledging that they are going to need 365 days to commemorate every racist policy carried out by colonial ancestors, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau outlined his plans on Parliament Hill. “Today, we propose a year long federal holiday in order to fully appreciate this mess we have made,” said Trudeau. “We were originally going to propose only one day to commemorate the horrors of the Residential School program, but upon further reflection, we need way more time tha

Critics Warn That Removing John A. Macdonald Statue May Lead To Eradicating Racism Altogether

VICTORIA — Lamenting the fact that their esteemed leader will no longer be glorified for his crimes against Indigenous peoples, critics held a press conference today on the steps of City Hall in Victoria. “We need to decide, as a nation, what side of history we want to be on,” said Randy Cruze, a concerned citizen. “Do we want to be on the same side as the founding fathers, or do we want take the reasonable stance of removing memorabilia that represents Canada’s dark and colo

Indigenous Child Living In Poverty Looking Forward To Being Displayed In A Museum One Day

TORONTO— “It may not look like much now, but it will be when they are on display behind tempered glass and educational plaques,” said Fletcher Williams who is an art curator at the Royal Ontario Museum. “We’re thinking a few candid photos of the children hungrily staring into the distance will draw a crowd to our Human Rights exhibit, or lack thereof.” Canada has been churning out exhibits like these for many years due to the 60% rate of children living in poverty on reserves

Stephen Harper Disappointed At The 92% Incarceration Rate Among Indigenous Youth, Says “We Could Go

ALBERTA — Responding to the recent report issued by Statistics Canada on the soaring rates of incarcerated Indigenous youth, former Prime Minister Stephen Harper said, “We tried hard to get that number in the high 90’s. But it’s tough to focus when you’re swinging the sickle with both hands while trying to sweep a group of people into the dustbin of history.” At the zenith of his power and dominion over Canada, Stephen J. Harper embraced a tough-on-crime agenda while sporting

Indigenous People In Canada Celebrate Their One Day While Sharks Get A Whole Week

CANADA — On June 21st, a nation comes together to celebrate the rich cultural history of Indigenous people and also pay honour to the ancestral heritage of the first inhabitants in Canada. But to every white person, June 21st is just the longest day of the year. “This day means a lot to us, but a week would mean much more,” said Charlie Bird from Big Foot First Nation. “I hate to be a curmudgeon about it all, but sharks get seven days to celebrate being themselves. And I get

Oil-Soaked Indigenous Man Says Living Off The Land “Probably Not A Good Idea”

BRITISH COLUMBIA – “It’s everywhere,” said Thomas Redbear of Little Foot First Nation. “The other day I was goose hunting and I slipped into a pit of black tar and grease. My cousins felt obliged to search for me after three days.” Redbear and his clan have been foraging and hunting these land for decades, and have only recently begun to see the damage inflicted upon by the oil and mining companies. The community has also reported the extraordinary effects the industry has ha

Law Firms Introduce “6th Lawsuit Free” Promotion for Indigenous People

TORONTO — Recognizing the litigious needs of their most disenfranchised clients, law firms in Canada have revealed a promotion that rewards loyalty and offers incentives for those who wish to pursue legal battles in the future. “We want to give back to those who have given us so much in the past,” said Thomas Graves, who works for McCarthy & Meyers Law in Ontario. “The program is quite simple. Indigenous clients receive a rewards card that is hole-punched once a case is compl

Indigenous Children In Canada Now Issued Protest Signs At Birth

OTTAWA — In a stunning change of policy, the Canadian government has announced groundbreaking new legislation for Indigenous children on reserves. “We just know we’re onto something with this new bill,” said an excited Prime Minister Trudeau. “These changes will ensure adequate tools for the kids to somehow succeed. Trust me.” A memo released by the Indigenous Affairs office outlines the proposed changes to the education and status portion of the Indian Act. The changes inclu

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