OTTAWA — In a fiery speech to the House of Commons, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau announced that his government will begin a program to relocate all non-Indigenous children from their homes to new institutions called “Reconciliation Schools”.
“The time to reconcile with Indigenous people is now!” Trudeau burst out in an evangelical tone. “We must help them break free from the bondage of colonialism. The only way is to indoctrinate our white children with the gospel of reconciliation! This new school program will forcibly enhance their understanding of decolonialism, treaty rights, and Indigenous sovereignty. The slogan of failed residential schools was to “take the Indian out of the child”. But with reconciliation schools, our slogan is “K, we fucked up. We’ll put the Indians back”. This should solve everything, I promise.”
Sources confirmed that new students will be forced to grow their hair out and will be taught how to properly point at distant objects using only their lips.