“Look,” said RCMP Commissioner, Brenda Lucki. “We know how to handle this media shitstorm, because the fact of the matter is, we have done this many times. The video clip is only ten seconds long, but what the public is missing is the hours and hours of footage of us doing this for 152 years. In the past, we were there to make sure they endured famine and disease, while never achieving full sovereignty in the process. This is just the usual, nothing to see here!” Sources conf

In a bold reconciliation move, Canada’s police commissioners announced a new initiative designed to mend relations with the country’s Indigenous people. “We just want to flex some reconciliation muscle before we proceed with an arrest,” said Thunder Bay Police Chief, Sylvie Hauth. “It is important for us to acknowledge the land on which we are oppressing them on. A typical arrest begins with us assuming guilt and asking questions later, but now we are committed to reforming o

OTTAWA – With a grey fog suddenly appearing in the hallways of 24 Sussex Drive, the haunting ghost of Pierre Trudeau slowly opened the door to the master bedroom. “What have you done?” said Trudeau Sr. “This is exactly the kind of thing I was trying to avoid with the whole White Paper thing. If we abolished all their rights, then you wouldn’t be in this mess right now, would you? Perhaps this is some form of karmic retribution for our sins against those clever people.” Source

Speaking on the recent developments on the whole SNC-Lavelin affair, local painter Robert Paulsen expressed his grief and despair over the whole matter. “It just doesn’t make sense to me. She seemed to be doing a great job, and hell, she had all the proper credentials too. I mean it would take an ignorant, overprivileged fool to think they can do better. I thought Trudeau was trying to find all the missing and murdered Indigenous women, now he has a missing Indigenous woman f

In a move that has literally surprised no one, former Justice Minister and Attorney General, Jody Wilson-Raybould resigned from Trudeau’s cabinet this morning. “My only message is this,” said legal analyst, Anthony Twoboots. “If Indigenous people truly want justice in this country, then join up with SNC-Lavalin or any other corporate empire bent on destroying the environment. The government will go to great lengths to ensure that justice is served for the company, even if it

VANCOUVER —  Flipping her blonde hair to the side while walking to the Range Rover, Taylor Smith just finished submitting a police report over a sexual assault allegation from 15 years ago. “The police were so nice and accommodating, “said Taylor, whose real name is Tara Littlefoot. “There were no allegations of me being drunk or a liar, there was just… acceptance. It’s almost as if those with a higher socioeconomic status who are unaffected by generations of colonial violenc

ALBERTA — Responding to the recent report issued by Statistics Canada on the soaring rates of incarcerated Indigenous youth, former Prime Minister Stephen Harper said, “We tried hard to get that number in the high 90’s. But it’s tough to focus when you’re swinging the sickle with both hands while trying to sweep a group of people into the dustbin of history.” At the zenith of his power and dominion over Canada, Stephen J. Harper embraced a tough-on-crime agenda while sporting

TORONTO — Recognizing the litigious needs of their most disenfranchised clients, law firms in Canada have revealed a promotion that rewards loyalty and offers incentives for those who wish to pursue legal battles in the future. “We want to give back to those who have given us so much in the past,” said Thomas Graves, who works for McCarthy & Meyers Law in Ontario. “The program is quite simple. Indigenous clients receive a rewards card that is hole-punched once a case is compl