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Canada To Deploy “Thoughts And Prayers” Relief Baskets To Indigenous Communities In Poverty

Canada To Deploy “Thoughts And Prayers” Relief Baskets To Indigenous Communities In Poverty

Regarding themselves with much pride in the work they have contributed to diminishing social inequality in Indigenous communities, the Canadian government announced that their new relief baskets will end all of life’s problems. “We are excited to see just how these relief baskets will change the lives of Indigenous people,” said Prime Minister Justin Trudeau. “After many decades of inaction by the government, we have finally found a cure in the form of thoughts and prayers. W

Canada Proposes Year Long Holiday To Mark Legacy Of Historical Wrongs Against Indigenous People

Canada Proposes Year Long Holiday To Mark Legacy Of Historical Wrongs Against Indigenous People

OTTAWA — Acknowledging that they are going to need 365 days to commemorate every racist policy carried out by colonial ancestors, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau outlined his plans on Parliament Hill. “Today, we propose a year long federal holiday in order to fully appreciate this mess we have made,” said Trudeau. “We were originally going to propose only one day to commemorate the horrors of the Residential School program, but upon further reflection, we need way more time tha

Maxime Bernier Lays Out His Vision Of A Utopian Nation Filled With Uncultured Swine

Maxime Bernier Lays Out His Vision Of A Utopian Nation Filled With Uncultured Swine

OTTAWA — Standing on the steps of Parliament Hill, flanked by MPs from the Conservative Party of Canada, Maxime Bernier delivered a fiery speech outlining the vision he has for Canada’s immigration policy. “I have a vision. And that is white people, brown people, and black people will no longer be people. We will usher in a new age of enlightenment. One where we speak the same truths and recite the same anthem over and over again,” said Bernier. “Indigenous, Immigrant, these

Critics Warn That Removing John A. Macdonald Statue May Lead To Eradicating Racism Altogether

Critics Warn That Removing John A. Macdonald Statue May Lead To Eradicating Racism Altogether

VICTORIA — Lamenting the fact that their esteemed leader will no longer be glorified for his crimes against Indigenous peoples, critics held a press conference today on the steps of City Hall in Victoria. “We need to decide, as a nation, what side of history we want to be on,” said Randy Cruze, a concerned citizen. “Do we want to be on the same side as the founding fathers, or do we want take the reasonable stance of removing memorabilia that represents Canada’s dark and colo

Canada Finally Ready To Admit That Indigenous People Came Up With The Idea For Universal Healthcare

Canada Finally Ready To Admit That Indigenous People Came Up With The Idea For Universal Healthcare

OTTAWA — Although the idea was not strong enough to ward off smallpox and tuberculosis, the intent of healthcare-for-all began as a medicine chest clause for Indigenous people during the relatively peaceful times of Canada in the 1800’s. “I got to admit, it was a great idea,” said Prime Minister Justin Trudeau. “This may piss off most people beholden to the idea that Tommy Douglas was the father of universal healthcare. I’m sorry, PARENT of universal healthcare.” Notable scho

Indigenous Man Lost After New Vision Quest App Leads Him To Middle Of Lake

Indigenous Man Lost After New Vision Quest App Leads Him To Middle Of Lake

BRITISH COLUMBIA — After traversing the rough terrain of dense forests and a failed assent towards the peak of the Rockies, Richard Redbear called it a day. “This new app keeps telling me that I would find my spirit animal by now. I had an incident with a squirrel who talked to me not too long ago, but it turned out to be a pinecone. I need to do this sober” The new vision quest app, “Spirit Mingle” promises to match up an Indigenous person with their spirit animal. Users fir

Law Firms Introduce “6th Lawsuit Free” Promotion for Indigenous People

Law Firms Introduce “6th Lawsuit Free” Promotion for Indigenous People

TORONTO — Recognizing the litigious needs of their most disenfranchised clients, law firms in Canada have revealed a promotion that rewards loyalty and offers incentives for those who wish to pursue legal battles in the future. “We want to give back to those who have given us so much in the past,” said Thomas Graves, who works for McCarthy & Meyers Law in Ontario. “The program is quite simple. Indigenous clients receive a rewards card that is hole-punched once a case is compl

Indigenous Children In Canada Now Issued Protest Signs At Birth

Indigenous Children In Canada Now Issued Protest Signs At Birth

OTTAWA — In a stunning change of policy, the Canadian government has announced groundbreaking new legislation for Indigenous children on reserves. “We just know we’re onto something with this new bill,” said an excited Prime Minister Trudeau. “These changes will ensure adequate tools for the kids to somehow succeed. Trust me.” A memo released by the Indigenous Affairs office outlines the proposed changes to the education and status portion of the Indian Act. The changes inclu

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