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Hollywood Approves Indigenous Remake Of “Fast & Furious” Movie, Will Be Called "Swift & Ever Sick"

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LOS ANGELES — In a racial victory for Indigenous people everywhere, Universal Pictures approved a landmark deal that will see the highly lucrative “Fast & Furious” franchise remade with an all Indigenous cast and crew.

“We are proud to announce a new franchise for our company,” said Jimmy Horowitz, president of Universal. “This should make up for the times we historically cast Italians in the place of Native Americans for our films.”

The studio revealed the first script as well as one of the actors have been finalized. Adam Beach will play Dominic Torretto and he will spend most of the movie trying to retrieve a Chevrolet Astro from his thirst trap of a cousin.

Sources confirmed that the Hollywood studio is accepting any actors who can prove up to 3% Indigenous heritage on Ancestry.com.

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