OTTAWA — Overwhelmed by the impossible task set before them, the Bank Of Canada issued a national search for the next person to be featured on the long line of colonialist currency they have been printing since 1867.
“We are proud to feature Canada’s next colonialist on one of our dollar bills,” said Stephen Poloz, Governor of the Bank of Canada. “Ideally, the next candidate will be white, somewhat ugly, and a strong proponent of assimilating Canada’s minorities into the Eurocentric fabric of our society, especially Indigenous people. We are overwhelmed by the task before us due to the high number of submissions we have already received. We will keep the public updated on who we will glorify on the next dollar bill.”
When asked if the Bank of Canada sees potential in any of the leaders today, Poloz said, “Andrew Scheer seems to be on his way. If he keeps fraternizing with alt-right leaders then one day I can see him on the $100 bill. Trudeau is too weak-willed and needs to put on a few pounds before we will even consider him.”
Sources confirmed that the Bank of Canada has already received over 1000 submissions and may just release a brand new bill for each person who holds colonialist views in his or her heart.