Seasoned Indigenous Communities Summoned To Assist With Nation's First State Of Emergency

After nearly every province declared state of emergencies, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau called on Canada's seasoned professionals when it comes to communities in lockdown due to a health crisis.

"Today, I am calling upon the people who have a gold medal in the State of Emergency olympics," said a visibly pale Justin Trudeau. "During this trying time we need the help of those who know what it's like living without adequate resources, lack of access to health care, and above all, being isolated."

The Prime Minister and his cabinet members unveiled a plan that includes Indigenous people teaching non-Indigenous people how to cope with trauma, how to forage for berries, and how to properly clean their asses when toilet paper eventually runs out. Key Indigenous leaders have also been dispatched across the country to field any questions the panicking public may have.

"Oh, is this your first time?" asked Chief Wilburt Littlefoot when approached by a group of hungry, distraught non-Indigenous people looking for the nearest shelter.