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Report: New Year’s Resolutions Renamed To New Year’s Treaties For Obvious Reasons

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Preparing for the onslaught of broken promises and false hopes, Indigenous people in Canada proposed a name change to the popular practice of lying to yourself every year.

“Self-betterment be damned. We feel everybody’s pain,” said Marshall Littlefoot from Bear Grease First Nation. “A promise is made but then shit happens and the sacred agreement is broken. Believe us, we have to live this every damn day. That is why in our community, we don’t call them resolutions, we call them treaties.”

The treaties between Indigenous people in Canada and the Crown have gone unfulfilled, very much like the failures people set themselves up for every January.

A national study has confirmed that around 93% of people who create a New Year’s resolution end up failing after a month or so. The other 7% will probably not shut up about it, so you should unfriend them. You don’t need them in your life.

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